I read an article awhile back about a fellow who had built himself a ferry boat down in the Philippines (or the Filippines, as the locals spell it), in order to haul things and give people rides – and my inner whore is pretty sure he made good money on the whole deal. What was really funny to me about the whole project was that he had done an AMAZING job (pictures and all) of building this thing out of marine grade plywood, copper screws, and HAND TOOLS. There was no electricity in the barrio, apparently, and so he did the entire thing with a hammer, some saws, a hand crank drill and a chopping tool resembling a kukri – which I personally wouldn’t do. But the reason I was online looking for “build your own boat” stories was that I’ve always had a closet sea faring urge – wouldn’t it just rule to build your own boat, and go travel the seven seas? But of course, since this isn’t Muppet Babies, imagination alone won’t cut the mustard. So I’ve decided to think through what I would do, were I to build an actual boat – and I’m sure I’ll sound stupid, but it should be pretty entertaining.

1. First things first, I would find stuff that floats. In my case, since I had a tree cut down a few months back, I would start by drilling long holes through most of these logs, and lashing them together with a water proof rope or stainless steel. This would provide me with a platform on which to do my ocean going things – whatever they may be.

2. The second thing I would do is figure out a way to propel my boat. Since I have TONS of wood, I would fashion oars as a means of transit. But since I have an old bicycle I don’t use anymore, I also fashion its pedals and mechanisms into a more fun way to travel the sea.

3. Once I was sure that I could pedal my long boat (which I estimate to be around 15 feet long by about 7 feet wide), I would go about raising my “Captain’s chair” about 8 feet up – not for any practical reason, but just so I could feel as though I were flying over the waves… at a very slow speed. Needless to say, a rudder mechanism would need to be developed… but at the moment, I’ve got nothing. When in doubt, carve more wood, I say.

4. As I have no interest in pedaling my way across the seas while sitting on top of a stump (as pedaling across the seas on a proper chair is not ridiculous in the slightest), I would set to work crafting a chair from the finest materials at my disposal. I saw some old tires down the street from where I live, the other day, in the “everyone’s” garbage pile native to my neighborhood… I just happen to have some nice cloth handy, and a good sewing kit. Hmm, the arms of the chair… I could use the arms of that old couch somebody left out awhile back. It shouldn’t be too badly rotted; it’s only been a year. I could attach the arms to the “sitting on” tire, and then drill some hold through both tires, and lash them together with more of my water proof rope (don’t ask which bodily orifice I pulled it out of), and voila! Sew some fabric on there, and leave the hole in the sitting tire, and it becomes a proper chair AND a sea toilet. Hoorah!